14 DAYS....

14 days....two weeks...ok...i can do this....

For the next four days I will be in San Diego and won't be checking my email, I hope that will help ease the anxiety! Oh ya see, I said I needed to get outta town...San Diego totally counts, right? I mean I am going by myself, staying in a hotel....I am actually going for a purpose other than escape but escaping is a good 80% of it.

Today is the first day I've cried in like a week..I went from everyday to not at all...and I know what happened, I used to be a master of this, I hate this.

For years I was the expert in "numbing out", not being present, not feeling anything!!! I spent a good 13 years like that...until my dad died and then it was like a flood of emotions...ever since then I have made a point of "feeling", being present and not checking out!

It is in feeling that you are living, if you aren't feeling you are missing out on life!

I hate where I am...checked out, numb, careless...this is always when the risky/self-destructive part of me likes to come out and play! Luckily I know a lot more at 31 then at 14 so I don't fall to far anymore....at this point the worst I will do is go get another tattoo or something...haaaaay....
yup thats what I'm gonna do too!!!!
I've been putting it off for months, I know what I am going to get too!

Two weeks....the more I think about it, the more I am leaning towards buying me a ticket to Ethiopia. At first I thought it was about control...but I have discovered its not about control its about regret! If you want something, believe in something, feel that strongly, then I believe you do everything in your power to make it happen...leave nothing unsaid and nothing undone...if you feel that strongly you fight for it! I cannot fight just sitting here!

If this does work out and one day I tell Mester her adoption story, how would I feel telling her that I just sat here and let other people fight for her...wouldn't it be so much more to tell her how hard I fought for her, how I was not going to lose her?

If this, god forbid, does not work out, I will always wonder, always regret not going and not fighting, not doing anything and everything I can to make this happen.

I swore after my dad died, I never would allow any situation or person to pass me by without doing or telling them anything and everything.....regret is the worst feeling to have to live with!

Maybe during this mini-get away I'll get some clarity, maybe get back to feeling (if I only knew how).

14 days.....two weeks.......

Please keep praying....please!!!!