14 days....two weeks...ok...i can do this....
For the next four days I will be in San Diego and won't be checking my email, I hope that will help ease the anxiety! Oh ya see, I said I needed to get outta town...San Diego totally counts, right? I mean I am going by myself, staying in a hotel....I am actually going for a purpose other than escape but escaping is a good 80% of it.
Today is the first day I've cried in like a week..I went from everyday to not at all...and I know what happened, I used to be a master of this, I hate this.
For years I was the expert in "numbing out", not being present, not feeling anything!!! I spent a good 13 years like that...until my dad died and then it was like a flood of emotions...ever since then I have made a point of "feeling", being present and not checking out!
It is in feeling that you are living, if you aren't feeling you are missing out on life!
I hate where I am...checked out, numb, careless...this is always when the risky/self-destructive part of me likes to come out and play! Luckily I know a lot more at 31 then at 14 so I don't fall to far anymore....at this point the worst I will do is go get another tattoo or something...haaaaay....
yup thats what I'm gonna do too!!!!
I've been putting it off for months, I know what I am going to get too!
Two weeks....the more I think about it, the more I am leaning towards buying me a ticket to Ethiopia. At first I thought it was about control...but I have discovered its not about control its about regret! If you want something, believe in something, feel that strongly, then I believe you do everything in your power to make it happen...leave nothing unsaid and nothing undone...if you feel that strongly you fight for it! I cannot fight just sitting here!
If this does work out and one day I tell Mester her adoption story, how would I feel telling her that I just sat here and let other people fight for her...wouldn't it be so much more to tell her how hard I fought for her, how I was not going to lose her?
If this, god forbid, does not work out, I will always wonder, always regret not going and not fighting, not doing anything and everything I can to make this happen.
I swore after my dad died, I never would allow any situation or person to pass me by without doing or telling them anything and everything.....regret is the worst feeling to have to live with!
Maybe during this mini-get away I'll get some clarity, maybe get back to feeling (if I only knew how).
14 days.....two weeks.......
Please keep praying....please!!!!
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
18 Days.....
18 days....the box is still sitting here, I have not sealed it yet, let alone mail it...tomorrow...tomorrow ...tomorrow!
Ok, 18 more days...yesterday while visiting my bestest friend and her son (my nephew) who's 5 months old......thanks to her open ear and great input I left San Diego with a new perspective......
Since I received this awful news I have not touched anything....none of the projects I have been working on for Mester...her 1/2 painted rocking chair.....her book ends that I was making.....the toy box that I had just put a second coat of purple paint...it is all where I had left it....even her room that is "in progress"...I just stopped!!!! And its not like all this stuff is hidden in some nice corner...oh no...its all in the middle of my living room, so I am looking at it all the time.
I decided that darnit, I am going to keep going...I am going to finish these projects I had started...I am going to keep the optimism that this will work out!!!!! It dawned on me that not completing these things was sending the "universe"/"god" whoever, the wrong message! In my moving forward I am sending the univers the message that I believe she is my daughter, I believe she will be here and so I am continuing to get my life/my home/her room ready for her!!!!
Last night I did sooooo much around my house that assisted in getting her room even more ready and IT FELT GREAT!!!!
Today in an exchange of emails with my agency rep (Alisa) we have learned that yes this man who is claiming to be her father physically threatened her mother! Explains a lot!!! Alisa said she had thought about telling me to go with her to Ethiopia on 2/9 but once she learned of the physical threat, did not want to put me in any danger or make the situation worse for her mother. I informed her that I completely understood but should she get there and determine that it is not as bad as she thought or that yes I should come then I will leave that night...I will be at LAX in less than an hour....she said she will let me know as soon as possible! 18 more days!!!!
I believe that should I go to Ethiopia in February, I will be bringing my daughter home!!!!!
Please continue to pray....please!!!!!
Ok, 18 more days...yesterday while visiting my bestest friend and her son (my nephew) who's 5 months old......thanks to her open ear and great input I left San Diego with a new perspective......
Since I received this awful news I have not touched anything....none of the projects I have been working on for Mester...her 1/2 painted rocking chair.....her book ends that I was making.....the toy box that I had just put a second coat of purple paint...it is all where I had left it....even her room that is "in progress"...I just stopped!!!! And its not like all this stuff is hidden in some nice corner...oh no...its all in the middle of my living room, so I am looking at it all the time.
I decided that darnit, I am going to keep going...I am going to finish these projects I had started...I am going to keep the optimism that this will work out!!!!! It dawned on me that not completing these things was sending the "universe"/"god" whoever, the wrong message! In my moving forward I am sending the univers the message that I believe she is my daughter, I believe she will be here and so I am continuing to get my life/my home/her room ready for her!!!!
Last night I did sooooo much around my house that assisted in getting her room even more ready and IT FELT GREAT!!!!
Today in an exchange of emails with my agency rep (Alisa) we have learned that yes this man who is claiming to be her father physically threatened her mother! Explains a lot!!! Alisa said she had thought about telling me to go with her to Ethiopia on 2/9 but once she learned of the physical threat, did not want to put me in any danger or make the situation worse for her mother. I informed her that I completely understood but should she get there and determine that it is not as bad as she thought or that yes I should come then I will leave that night...I will be at LAX in less than an hour....she said she will let me know as soon as possible! 18 more days!!!!
I believe that should I go to Ethiopia in February, I will be bringing my daughter home!!!!!
Please continue to pray....please!!!!!
Saturday, January 19, 2008
21 Days....3 Weeks.....
21 Days..........
I did not think that I would write but somehow not makes me feel like I am giving up...
The mind....how it comes up with the strangest ideas!
It has barely been a week and I already feel like I am running out of ideas on how to cope...
I am doing a really good job of staying busy....
Hours at the gym...extra hours at work (I've never been so caught up on paperwork)...sleeping more...getting a lot of work done for my non-profit...cleaning/organizing my garage...making jewelry...painting....walking my dogs.....forcing myslef to watch other things on TV besides National Geographic....reading....looking at every page of each and every magazine...
My yoga practice is falling apart..my ability to meditate has gone from a strong 30 minutes to less than 10 minutes...I simply cannot concentrate!
I even tried reverting back to the way I used to cope-drinking! I went out last night and got smashed...absolutely hammered....it used to work so well! Not so much anymore! All I got out of that was a headache and a reminder of why I don't drink anymore! Yuck!
This is all well and good...the hours of the day are going by faster than if I just sat here but no matter how busy I am, when I slow down even for a moment...my eyes fill with tears and the pain in my heart takes over me and I cannot believe this is happening! All I can think of is Mester!
I haven't been able to seal up the box that I am sending to her....It is all ready to go but I can't let it go! I am afraid once I do I will think of something else I should have said or something else I should have sent to pleed my case better!
I'm running out of ideas....I'm open to suggestions........
21 days to go........
I did not think that I would write but somehow not makes me feel like I am giving up...
The mind....how it comes up with the strangest ideas!
It has barely been a week and I already feel like I am running out of ideas on how to cope...
I am doing a really good job of staying busy....
Hours at the gym...extra hours at work (I've never been so caught up on paperwork)...sleeping more...getting a lot of work done for my non-profit...cleaning/organizing my garage...making jewelry...painting....walking my dogs.....forcing myslef to watch other things on TV besides National Geographic....reading....looking at every page of each and every magazine...
My yoga practice is falling apart..my ability to meditate has gone from a strong 30 minutes to less than 10 minutes...I simply cannot concentrate!
I even tried reverting back to the way I used to cope-drinking! I went out last night and got smashed...absolutely hammered....it used to work so well! Not so much anymore! All I got out of that was a headache and a reminder of why I don't drink anymore! Yuck!
This is all well and good...the hours of the day are going by faster than if I just sat here but no matter how busy I am, when I slow down even for a moment...my eyes fill with tears and the pain in my heart takes over me and I cannot believe this is happening! All I can think of is Mester!
I haven't been able to seal up the box that I am sending to her....It is all ready to go but I can't let it go! I am afraid once I do I will think of something else I should have said or something else I should have sent to pleed my case better!
I'm running out of ideas....I'm open to suggestions........
21 days to go........
Friday, January 18, 2008
22 Days!!!
22 days.....
I just finished packing the box of clothes, shoes, toys and dolls for my little one!
I also included the photo album!!!!!
Before I could close the box, there was one more thing I needed to do...
what I have been avoiding.....
I did not just make her a photo album...I made her a scrapbook,
leaving areas where I could write...write who the people in the pictures are and other little comments. I had not written in the scrapbook yet simply because of timing. It was as I had finished the album that the news came...so I put it aside!
Today as I sat down with the album preparing to write...what once seemed so simple now felt like the most important thing in this whole process....I all of a sudden realized that this is my opportunity to in a sense "plead my case"....to tell not only Mester but also her mother and anyone else who views it, how much I love her, how well I will take care of her, how many people are waiting for her to love and adore her...to beg that they allow this process to continue!
I did not expect this to be so difficult...I managed to complete all the pages except for one...the first page...
The first page that has pictures of me...the page where I introduce myself....as if its not strange enough to be declairing your motherly love for this little girl whom you have never met but to be doing it on a page that has only pictures of yourself...if I did not know better this would seem a little psycho....now add to that the pressure of each and every word having this huge impact on those who read them......
I did the best that I could do with the limited amount of space...I don't have the heart to close the box...I feel like once this box is gone there is nothing left tying me to her! The items in this box represent so much and I pray that my messgae is clear...I am real, I am really here waiting for her, I am wanting her to be my family, I have so much love for her and I am prepared to take care of her for the rest of my life, and I am not alone there are a dozen more people who are supporting me in this! So please, please, please do not take this away!
I just finished packing the box of clothes, shoes, toys and dolls for my little one!
I also included the photo album!!!!!
Before I could close the box, there was one more thing I needed to do...
what I have been avoiding.....
I did not just make her a photo album...I made her a scrapbook,
leaving areas where I could write...write who the people in the pictures are and other little comments. I had not written in the scrapbook yet simply because of timing. It was as I had finished the album that the news came...so I put it aside!
Today as I sat down with the album preparing to write...what once seemed so simple now felt like the most important thing in this whole process....I all of a sudden realized that this is my opportunity to in a sense "plead my case"....to tell not only Mester but also her mother and anyone else who views it, how much I love her, how well I will take care of her, how many people are waiting for her to love and adore her...to beg that they allow this process to continue!
I did not expect this to be so difficult...I managed to complete all the pages except for one...the first page...
The first page that has pictures of me...the page where I introduce myself....as if its not strange enough to be declairing your motherly love for this little girl whom you have never met but to be doing it on a page that has only pictures of yourself...if I did not know better this would seem a little psycho....now add to that the pressure of each and every word having this huge impact on those who read them......
I did the best that I could do with the limited amount of space...I don't have the heart to close the box...I feel like once this box is gone there is nothing left tying me to her! The items in this box represent so much and I pray that my messgae is clear...I am real, I am really here waiting for her, I am wanting her to be my family, I have so much love for her and I am prepared to take care of her for the rest of my life, and I am not alone there are a dozen more people who are supporting me in this! So please, please, please do not take this away!
Thursday, January 17, 2008
23 days and counting....
23 days!!
23 days until there is any possibility of getting anymore information about my adoption; about my daughter!!!
I have been advised to send the album I have made for her. This way my agency rep can show her mother and anyone else that I am real; that I am waiting for her, that there are a bunch of people waiting for her, so excited to meet her and wanting so badly to have her as a part of our family! At this point I feel like I would do anything!
Oh my gosh, I think about the next three weeks and seems too overwhelming to bear...what am I supposed to do with myself? I feel like I am desperately reaching for anything and anyone to help distract me; to help me fill my time..even just for a minute! Even people and things I don't much care for can seem appealing during the most desperate of times. And frankly I don't really care what anyone thinks at this point; maybe I am bugging them to the point of being borderline obnoxious; they don't understand how this feels. I cannot always be the tough, strong, I can take anything person I try so hard to be! There are few times when really I need...and this is one of those times! Again I am reminded of how incredibly hard it is to go through this alone!
God bless my mother as she is bearing the brunt of this! She gets my tears, my anger, my frustration, my confusion, my need; yet she too is dealing with unfamiliar feelings of the uncertainty of her grand daughter that she loves so much yet has not met and may not ever meet!
I don't know where everyone has gone!
I am not as negative as I am sounding! In fact in the last 24 hours I have gained back some of the faith that I am strong enough to get through this and that we all experience hardships, disappointments, even failures...but we all get through it! This is how we learn, this is how we grow! It's amazing how we gain perspective from the most unexpected sources. Thank you , Adam!
For the next 23 days, I am not sure how much I will have to write on here...I am not sure how low the low will be and that may be more for myself to know!
As soon as I get any information at all, I will definitely let everyone know!
Please keep praying.....please!
Thank you!
xoxo
(P.S. I read an article about a family in the middle of adopting from Ethiopia who had put pictures of their to be child on a blog and somehow the Ethiopian government found out and stopped their adoption...needless to say I didn't even finish the article and I was on here getting the pictures of my lil one off here...god knows we don't need anything else to happen!)
23 days until there is any possibility of getting anymore information about my adoption; about my daughter!!!
I have been advised to send the album I have made for her. This way my agency rep can show her mother and anyone else that I am real; that I am waiting for her, that there are a bunch of people waiting for her, so excited to meet her and wanting so badly to have her as a part of our family! At this point I feel like I would do anything!
Oh my gosh, I think about the next three weeks and seems too overwhelming to bear...what am I supposed to do with myself? I feel like I am desperately reaching for anything and anyone to help distract me; to help me fill my time..even just for a minute! Even people and things I don't much care for can seem appealing during the most desperate of times. And frankly I don't really care what anyone thinks at this point; maybe I am bugging them to the point of being borderline obnoxious; they don't understand how this feels. I cannot always be the tough, strong, I can take anything person I try so hard to be! There are few times when really I need...and this is one of those times! Again I am reminded of how incredibly hard it is to go through this alone!
God bless my mother as she is bearing the brunt of this! She gets my tears, my anger, my frustration, my confusion, my need; yet she too is dealing with unfamiliar feelings of the uncertainty of her grand daughter that she loves so much yet has not met and may not ever meet!
I don't know where everyone has gone!
I am not as negative as I am sounding! In fact in the last 24 hours I have gained back some of the faith that I am strong enough to get through this and that we all experience hardships, disappointments, even failures...but we all get through it! This is how we learn, this is how we grow! It's amazing how we gain perspective from the most unexpected sources. Thank you , Adam!
For the next 23 days, I am not sure how much I will have to write on here...I am not sure how low the low will be and that may be more for myself to know!
As soon as I get any information at all, I will definitely let everyone know!
Please keep praying.....please!
Thank you!
xoxo
(P.S. I read an article about a family in the middle of adopting from Ethiopia who had put pictures of their to be child on a blog and somehow the Ethiopian government found out and stopped their adoption...needless to say I didn't even finish the article and I was on here getting the pictures of my lil one off here...god knows we don't need anything else to happen!)
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Not Good News
Unfortunately it is not good news! The outlook is bleak!
I am trying to maintain what little hope I can! But it is so difficult!
It seems that this man claiming to be my little ones father has gotten to her mother.
Now her mother is afraid of this man and does not want to "cross him"!
She is now agreeing with whatever he is saying!
All I could do was plead.....no, no, no, no, no! Please don't let this be happening!
What I believe, my agency worker agrees, that this man is related to her-
Maybe he is the brother/cousin of her father; maybe he is a brother/cousin of her mother! I have been encouraged to still go ahead and send her the clothes, dolls and toys that I have for her! This makes me very happy because whether or not we end up together, I bought those items for her, and she deserves them no matter what happens...she is still a 2 year old orphan in Ethiopia! As for the photo album, I have just asked specifically about that and am waiting for the answer!
So what now!?! Good question!
With her half finished room; Clothes hanging in her closet; Stroller in my living room;
Pictures of her hanging in my house; Pictures I carry everywhere with me in my pocket;
My open heart waiting for my daughter; this enormous amount of love I have for this little girl!
What now!?! Am I supposed to harden myself; buck up and move on or do I keep fighting for this/ for her! I can't sleep, I can't eat...I look like shit! My eyes are in a constant state of swollen and red! I cannot think about anything else!
Well....I am chosing to fight and try my hardest to allow myself to leave my heart wide open, vulnerable to this little girl! I cannot leave her; I feel like she is my daughter, she is my child and I will not lose her!
My agency rep will be going to Ethiopia on Feb. 9 she is going to find out all that she can and get to the bottom of this! I am fighting everything in me not to get on a plane and fly to Ethiopia myself and get this shit handled NOW! But I understand that I cannot control everything! The universe has a plan and I have to submit to that plan...no matter how hard it is! I will do everything and anything I can to remain as busy as absolutely possible for the next month!
And you all who know me know the first thing I do when shit gets hard.....leave town!!!!
So.....I am gonna see where I can go ASAP!!!!!
I am trying to maintain what little hope I can! But it is so difficult!
It seems that this man claiming to be my little ones father has gotten to her mother.
Now her mother is afraid of this man and does not want to "cross him"!
She is now agreeing with whatever he is saying!
All I could do was plead.....no, no, no, no, no! Please don't let this be happening!
What I believe, my agency worker agrees, that this man is related to her-
Maybe he is the brother/cousin of her father; maybe he is a brother/cousin of her mother! I have been encouraged to still go ahead and send her the clothes, dolls and toys that I have for her! This makes me very happy because whether or not we end up together, I bought those items for her, and she deserves them no matter what happens...she is still a 2 year old orphan in Ethiopia! As for the photo album, I have just asked specifically about that and am waiting for the answer!
So what now!?! Good question!
With her half finished room; Clothes hanging in her closet; Stroller in my living room;
Pictures of her hanging in my house; Pictures I carry everywhere with me in my pocket;
My open heart waiting for my daughter; this enormous amount of love I have for this little girl!
What now!?! Am I supposed to harden myself; buck up and move on or do I keep fighting for this/ for her! I can't sleep, I can't eat...I look like shit! My eyes are in a constant state of swollen and red! I cannot think about anything else!
Well....I am chosing to fight and try my hardest to allow myself to leave my heart wide open, vulnerable to this little girl! I cannot leave her; I feel like she is my daughter, she is my child and I will not lose her!
My agency rep will be going to Ethiopia on Feb. 9 she is going to find out all that she can and get to the bottom of this! I am fighting everything in me not to get on a plane and fly to Ethiopia myself and get this shit handled NOW! But I understand that I cannot control everything! The universe has a plan and I have to submit to that plan...no matter how hard it is! I will do everything and anything I can to remain as busy as absolutely possible for the next month!
And you all who know me know the first thing I do when shit gets hard.....leave town!!!!
So.....I am gonna see where I can go ASAP!!!!!
Monday, January 14, 2008
Naturally the internet in Ethiopia was down today and there was no line available to get through to Haile's cell phone! (this is not uncommon in Ethiopia what so ever)
What now...at 9pm my agency rep (Alisa) has begun trying to reach Haile again as it is morning in Ethiopia....so now we wait!
I figure tonight I will sleep here at my table with my laptop-online waiting to hear something- anything!
Please pray...please!!!
What now...at 9pm my agency rep (Alisa) has begun trying to reach Haile again as it is morning in Ethiopia....so now we wait!
I figure tonight I will sleep here at my table with my laptop-online waiting to hear something- anything!
Please pray...please!!!
Sunday, January 13, 2008
In 24 Hours
Nobody knows what to say!
The easiest is to say, "He is not her father, don't worry".
A strong part of me believes this cannot be her father,
there is the other part of me who knows damn well that he could be!!!
I don't blame people for not knowing what to say;
I don't know what to say.
I have repeatedly tried to reach out and grab onto,
the one person who could give me something to hold onto-
the one who could give me some small piece of hope;
the one who might know what to say;
He offers nothing but a selfish turn of his head as to not be bothered (again)!
Amazing how people can be so selfish!
I've been thinking about my past relationships
How over time heart ache has changed my perspective.
So much so that I have successfully convinced myself that I don't
care if I ever find that one "him"/if I ever get married!
But not this! That cannot happen to this!!!!
The heart ache of relationships amplified 100x is this!
My fear is that if I lose Mester;
I won't have it in me to try again...to try a third time!
How do I convince myself to give this up?
By this time tomorrow I should have a great deal more information!
I have learned that this man claiming to be Mester's father was to meet
with Haile (the agency rep. in Ethiopia) on Friday, as this was a pre-arranged meeting.
He failed to show up!
Good sign?
Somehow I must maintain through the night and through my day tomorrow
until I receive the phone call from my agency!
I have asked for a DNA test; no problem!
Should this man be lying he will be prosecuted!
Should this man be lying; my adoption of Mester continues!
Should this man be telling the truth;
My adoption of Mester is over!
Tomorrow this time I should have a great deal more information!
Pray...please pray!!!
The easiest is to say, "He is not her father, don't worry".
A strong part of me believes this cannot be her father,
there is the other part of me who knows damn well that he could be!!!
I don't blame people for not knowing what to say;
I don't know what to say.
I have repeatedly tried to reach out and grab onto,
the one person who could give me something to hold onto-
the one who could give me some small piece of hope;
the one who might know what to say;
He offers nothing but a selfish turn of his head as to not be bothered (again)!
Amazing how people can be so selfish!
I've been thinking about my past relationships
How over time heart ache has changed my perspective.
So much so that I have successfully convinced myself that I don't
care if I ever find that one "him"/if I ever get married!
But not this! That cannot happen to this!!!!
The heart ache of relationships amplified 100x is this!
My fear is that if I lose Mester;
I won't have it in me to try again...to try a third time!
How do I convince myself to give this up?
By this time tomorrow I should have a great deal more information!
I have learned that this man claiming to be Mester's father was to meet
with Haile (the agency rep. in Ethiopia) on Friday, as this was a pre-arranged meeting.
He failed to show up!
Good sign?
Somehow I must maintain through the night and through my day tomorrow
until I receive the phone call from my agency!
I have asked for a DNA test; no problem!
Should this man be lying he will be prosecuted!
Should this man be lying; my adoption of Mester continues!
Should this man be telling the truth;
My adoption of Mester is over!
Tomorrow this time I should have a great deal more information!
Pray...please pray!!!
Thursday, January 10, 2008
At The Final Hour
At the final hour and all I feel is numbness.... all I see is white.....not sure when was the last time I blinked....my eyes are burning.....my head is throbbing.....my heart feels like it is going to pound out of my chest onto the floor.....
Not the pain I felt when my father died....not the pain of when the one I love broke my heart....this is something different; a different pain and I have not yet found the words......
My brain will not process the information no matter how hard I try to make it...maybe it knows my heart cannot take it....not again!
When I let Wutu go, it was awful....I cried and cried and cried...but through all of that I knew that I was doing the right thing, I knew that I was doing the best thing for her...and that was all that mattered!
When I was given the picture of Mester and I saw her eyes, her hair, her coloring and it was like dejavu...I had seen this girl before, but how could that be...I sat there looking at her longer and it dawned on me... ever since my dreams about the girl I was going to adopt began, maybe 10 years ago, it was always the same little girl. She wore her hair in two little "puffs" and she had big brown eyes...her name was Bela. Here I was staring at this picture of Mester....staring at this picture.....Bela!
The only problem through this adoption process was that it just was not going fast enough! She could not get here fast enough!!! In the last two weeks somewhere over the course of the 14 days I became a mother! Not only was this change mentally but physically as well! It was as though my whole being shifted a tad to the left....I was/am ready!
On this day, I have learned that a "man" has come forward and is now "claiming" to be Mester's biological father!
In Ethiopia, each city/village/region has a "kebele", their version of a city government. When a child is at the final stage of the adoption process (meaning court is about to legally turn the child over to her new parents) the kebele posts the name of the child and the adoptive parents name for one week. (China posts their's for two months). Well this was the week that Mester and I were on that list! Only for one week!
This man came out of no where...he claims to be her father! Mester's mother, who is fortunately-thank God still alive (barely) is claiming that no he is not her father!
My agency worker told me that she has never in all of her years had something like this happen!
Tomorrow morning I was going to mail Mester her photo album, dolls, clothes and toys!
Yesterday I bought her bed!
Tomorrow her bed is being delivered!
Today my adoption process stopped!
All I feel is numbness....all I see is white!
Not the pain I felt when my father died....not the pain of when the one I love broke my heart....this is something different; a different pain and I have not yet found the words......
My brain will not process the information no matter how hard I try to make it...maybe it knows my heart cannot take it....not again!
When I let Wutu go, it was awful....I cried and cried and cried...but through all of that I knew that I was doing the right thing, I knew that I was doing the best thing for her...and that was all that mattered!
When I was given the picture of Mester and I saw her eyes, her hair, her coloring and it was like dejavu...I had seen this girl before, but how could that be...I sat there looking at her longer and it dawned on me... ever since my dreams about the girl I was going to adopt began, maybe 10 years ago, it was always the same little girl. She wore her hair in two little "puffs" and she had big brown eyes...her name was Bela. Here I was staring at this picture of Mester....staring at this picture.....Bela!
The only problem through this adoption process was that it just was not going fast enough! She could not get here fast enough!!! In the last two weeks somewhere over the course of the 14 days I became a mother! Not only was this change mentally but physically as well! It was as though my whole being shifted a tad to the left....I was/am ready!
On this day, I have learned that a "man" has come forward and is now "claiming" to be Mester's biological father!
In Ethiopia, each city/village/region has a "kebele", their version of a city government. When a child is at the final stage of the adoption process (meaning court is about to legally turn the child over to her new parents) the kebele posts the name of the child and the adoptive parents name for one week. (China posts their's for two months). Well this was the week that Mester and I were on that list! Only for one week!
This man came out of no where...he claims to be her father! Mester's mother, who is fortunately-thank God still alive (barely) is claiming that no he is not her father!
My agency worker told me that she has never in all of her years had something like this happen!
Tomorrow morning I was going to mail Mester her photo album, dolls, clothes and toys!
Yesterday I bought her bed!
Tomorrow her bed is being delivered!
Today my adoption process stopped!
All I feel is numbness....all I see is white!
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Adopting as a single woman
In all the years I thought about adopting my daughter from Ethiopia, it was never dependent on whether I was married or single. I just knew that one day I would be going down this road. In recent years, as I got older and remained single, I knew I would be adopting as a single woman, but I thought that it would not be a big deal. Now that I am in the process and waiting for that court date, I am discovering that going through this experience as a single woman really does just suck. I am lucky to have an abnormally large support system, beyond anything I could have ever imagined (thank God) and they are and have been amazing. I think it is the "firsts", the decisions......the decision about which stroller....the excitement of having the stroller in the living room waiting for her....looking at it and get that warm feeling in your heart just as your eyes fill with tears. It's making the decision of which pictures to put in her scrapbook....what is the very first image you would want your daughter to have of you....its the nights when you're home alone and out of no where you just cry and cry because this damn process seems to be taking forever and your heart hurts....its buying her clothes and shoes.....its decorating her room....its aching for any little piece of information about her....its rushing to your computer at 5:00am before going to the gym hoping....praying that there is an email from the adoption agency with that information you're aching for......the repeated disappointment when there is nothing!
Above all though, it is the fear that develops, the fear if you are good enough for her....the fear that you are not going to be able to give her all that she deserves.....the fear that you are not enough! When you are doing this alone there is no one who is feeling that same fear, who's aching that same ache and crying those same tears! It makes you feel more alone!
Maybe this is what my book is supposed to be about!
Actually, I should say maybe this is what one of my books is supposed to be about!
Above all though, it is the fear that develops, the fear if you are good enough for her....the fear that you are not going to be able to give her all that she deserves.....the fear that you are not enough! When you are doing this alone there is no one who is feeling that same fear, who's aching that same ache and crying those same tears! It makes you feel more alone!
Maybe this is what my book is supposed to be about!
Actually, I should say maybe this is what one of my books is supposed to be about!
Monday, January 7, 2008
Leagcy Of An Adopted Child
Legacy Of An Adopted Child
Once there were two women, who never knew each other
One you do not remember, the other you call Mother
Two different lives, shaped to make your one
One became your guiding star, the other became your sun
The first one gave you life, the second one taught you to live it
The first gave you a need for love, the second was there to give it.
One gave you a nationality, the other gave you a name
One gave you a talent, the other gave you an aim
One gave you emotions, the other calmed your fears
One saw your first sweet smile, the other dried your tears
One sought for you a home that she could not provide
The other prayed for a child and her hopes were not denied.
And now you ask me through your tears
The age old question, unanswered through the years:
Heredity or environment, which are you the product of?
Neither my darling, neither
Just two kinds of love.
-unknown author
Once there were two women, who never knew each other
One you do not remember, the other you call Mother
Two different lives, shaped to make your one
One became your guiding star, the other became your sun
The first one gave you life, the second one taught you to live it
The first gave you a need for love, the second was there to give it.
One gave you a nationality, the other gave you a name
One gave you a talent, the other gave you an aim
One gave you emotions, the other calmed your fears
One saw your first sweet smile, the other dried your tears
One sought for you a home that she could not provide
The other prayed for a child and her hopes were not denied.
And now you ask me through your tears
The age old question, unanswered through the years:
Heredity or environment, which are you the product of?
Neither my darling, neither
Just two kinds of love.
-unknown author
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Waiting impatiently!
Not one minute of the day passes without thinking of Mester.
My patience is fading and my emotions are getting the best of me.
I am in the process of finishing a scrapbook for Mester. I am so excited to finally be able to show her pictures of myself, of my family, of my friends...of my life that is waiting for her! It makes this feel even more real, that this is not going to be a one sided relationship being built but now Mester will be an active, knowing part as well!
I have washed the clothes that I am sending to her. I am trying to make sure that they all smell like me so that when the day comes when I get to sweep her up into my arms, the smell will be familiar. Familiar in this extremely unfamiliar situation. How absolutely terrifying for a 2 year old! I cannot even imagine!
All I can do is do the best possible for her and I believe transitional objects do a lot more than they get credit for!
Amongst the toys and dolls I am sending, I am sending a children's book! Why? She is not going to be able to read it nor the caregivers for that matter but the images in the book...it is a book about loving others and the pages are filled with hugs and kisses. My hope is that the pictures can transend the language and Mester can know this package came from someone who loves her so much!
Not one minute of the day passes without thinking of Mester.
My patience is fading and my emotions are getting the best of me.
I am in the process of finishing a scrapbook for Mester. I am so excited to finally be able to show her pictures of myself, of my family, of my friends...of my life that is waiting for her! It makes this feel even more real, that this is not going to be a one sided relationship being built but now Mester will be an active, knowing part as well!
I have washed the clothes that I am sending to her. I am trying to make sure that they all smell like me so that when the day comes when I get to sweep her up into my arms, the smell will be familiar. Familiar in this extremely unfamiliar situation. How absolutely terrifying for a 2 year old! I cannot even imagine!
All I can do is do the best possible for her and I believe transitional objects do a lot more than they get credit for!
Amongst the toys and dolls I am sending, I am sending a children's book! Why? She is not going to be able to read it nor the caregivers for that matter but the images in the book...it is a book about loving others and the pages are filled with hugs and kisses. My hope is that the pictures can transend the language and Mester can know this package came from someone who loves her so much!
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