At The Final Hour

At the final hour and all I feel is numbness.... all I see is white.....not sure when was the last time I blinked....my eyes are burning.....my head is throbbing.....my heart feels like it is going to pound out of my chest onto the floor.....

Not the pain I felt when my father died....not the pain of when the one I love broke my heart....this is something different; a different pain and I have not yet found the words......

My brain will not process the information no matter how hard I try to make it...maybe it knows my heart cannot take it....not again!

When I let Wutu go, it was awful....I cried and cried and cried...but through all of that I knew that I was doing the right thing, I knew that I was doing the best thing for her...and that was all that mattered!

When I was given the picture of Mester and I saw her eyes, her hair, her coloring and it was like dejavu...I had seen this girl before, but how could that be...I sat there looking at her longer and it dawned on me... ever since my dreams about the girl I was going to adopt began, maybe 10 years ago, it was always the same little girl. She wore her hair in two little "puffs" and she had big brown eyes...her name was Bela. Here I was staring at this picture of Mester....staring at this picture.....Bela!

The only problem through this adoption process was that it just was not going fast enough! She could not get here fast enough!!! In the last two weeks somewhere over the course of the 14 days I became a mother! Not only was this change mentally but physically as well! It was as though my whole being shifted a tad to the left....I was/am ready!

On this day, I have learned that a "man" has come forward and is now "claiming" to be Mester's biological father!

In Ethiopia, each city/village/region has a "kebele", their version of a city government. When a child is at the final stage of the adoption process (meaning court is about to legally turn the child over to her new parents) the kebele posts the name of the child and the adoptive parents name for one week. (China posts their's for two months). Well this was the week that Mester and I were on that list! Only for one week!

This man came out of no where...he claims to be her father! Mester's mother, who is fortunately-thank God still alive (barely) is claiming that no he is not her father!
My agency worker told me that she has never in all of her years had something like this happen!

Tomorrow morning I was going to mail Mester her photo album, dolls, clothes and toys!
Yesterday I bought her bed!
Tomorrow her bed is being delivered!
Today my adoption process stopped!

All I feel is numbness....all I see is white!