Holding my breath, keeping my fingers crossed, god willing....here it is!
After my last blog and the devastating halt on my adoption of Mester, I did not have the heart to share any of the emotions associated with adopting period!
I had not heard from my adoption worker for a couple of weeks; that was unlike her....hmmmm....It took all the courage I could muster up to email her and ask what was up....well to say the least her response was anything but expected! She informed me that God had blessed me! She went on to say that per my request, she was not going to give me any information about any possible referral until a court date was set....she giggled.....she also had a secret!!!!! It took me less than 10 seconds to call her and ask her to share the news! This is what she said......
......"well, you have a little girl! She is quite younger than Mester, but you said that was what you wanted. She is 21 days old! She was born in a small town in Northern Ethiopia, her mother either passed away during labor or shortly there after, she never left the clinic where she had the baby. The baby has no name so she is being called "Mi Mi" which means little girl. She weighs maybe 3.5lbs but is eating well".............."we will have you in court before the court closes for the rainy season in July!"...........
My response....."A baby?....... A baby?.....A baby baby?.....There are so many families wanting a baby are you sure you want to give her to me?.....A baby? Really? A baby baby for me?"
I didn't know if I wanted to laugh, cry, scream, jump up and down....I didn't know if I wanted to FEEL anything! TERRIFIED!!!!! ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED!!!! Not like the terrified feeling that mom and I had when we were robbed in Kenya...this was terrified to the point where I knew that if this did not happen that I literally was terrified that my heart and soul would be lost forever! I know that sounds overly dramatic but losing Mester took all that was left in me! Was I crazy!?!
A couple days later, I did what I do best.....left town...off to Romania! Thank god I had this escape, it helped me not think about the baby and what was to come (or not to come)! Upon my return, about 3 weeks ago I spoke to my worker again....the baby was now five weeks old and she had been officially declared an orphan by the Ethiopian government.....
OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Are you sure? Are you sure you are sure?................OH MY GOD!!!!! All I kept thinking to myself was damnit Rachael do not under any circumstance feel anything!!! You can't!!! You must not!!! Stop! Stop! Stop! Oh shit.......
I tried so hard not to allow my heart to feel anything but as usual the power of my heart out wieghs the strength of my head and the next thing I know is I have named her, bought her some clothes and was preparing to bring this baby into my world!!!
In the last two weeks ALL those "nesting" feelings and "changes" in my body have come back with full force...The body is truly an amazing entity!!! I have not had a period since my dad passed in 2000. In late february, as I was preparing for the arrival of Mester, out of no where, I had a period. The first time in 8 years! Obviously cut short by the news of her father....the next two months were back to normal, then two weeks ago.....oh well look at that....my period...only there has not been anything to stop it this time.....Now I wonder if once the baby is here if my hormones will go back to where they should have been all along! We'll see (soon)! That is incredible!
(Now that my boobs are nice and big...LOL...I hope that this doesn't make them get any bigger....I may fall over!!! LOL)
Well, the terrified feeling is still present but so is this incredibly exciting anticipation of my pending motherhood! I do not want to talk about it for fear I will jinx it! I do not want to talk about it because that makes it more real....and what if....... I registered at Baby's R Us two weeks ago! Nothing like having a complete anxiety attack/nervous breakdown in the parking lot of the store... then carrying over in to the store...only to receive probably the best "pep talk" I have ever received in my life! After being the best of friends with someone for 17 years (holy shit) there is nothing like these moments. My friend Maria gave me the most honest, motivating, heart felt, encouraging, and scary reality check that I have ever experienced! Had she not been there during this breakdown I may have actually stopped this process. It was that bad! Thank you a million times over Maria..I love you ! Thank God for you!
So, here we are.....impatiently waiting!
My adoption worker is in Ethiopia right now! She got there on the 23rd! I have not wanted a picture of the baby yet...I am not sure I do even now! My worker saw my baby this morning for the first time! She said she is just beautiful! She said that she knew the baby was meant for only me when she looked down at her tiny toes and saw her delicately painted toe nails!!!! Is that the cutest thing ever!?!?!?! She still weighs under 5 lbs...but she is eating and sleeping well! I should know my court date next week!!!
I'm sorry what was that.?.?.? .?.?
I WILL KNOW MY COURT DATE NEXT WEEK!!!!!!!!
So my baby shower is on June 21!
I am setting up her nursery!
I bought her diapers!
My baby!
My baby!
My baby.......... Amira Selam Ranney
Born March 31, 2008
*** With all this incredibly exciting news there is still a hole in my heart, a hole that will be left unfilled until the day my Mester....my Bela.....comes home! She is my daughter that I have dreamt about since I was a little girl, she is my daughter no matter where she is! She is my daughter and weather it is 6 months or 6 years my home is her home, my family is her family and my heart is waiting for her! I truly believe that god/the universe has sent me this baby for a reason. Mester still has her biological mother caring for her, loving her...Amira does not! Amira was meant to come to me and she will give me the strength, knowledge and wisdom of motherhood which in turn will make me a better, more prepared mother for Mester!
My worker will see Mester and her mother on Friday! I have sent Mester clothes for the rainy season along with a few additional toys and blankets. I also sent Mesters mother several sewing kits for her and the women in her village (apparently a much needed item). I have asked that my worker give both Mester and her mother hugs and kisses and the reassurance, once again, that I am here and not going anywhere! I will be given an update on how my Mester is doing, how her mother is doing and the status of her father! I just pray with all my heart that Mester is safe and healthy!
I am the most blessed person I know! I am being given the gift of two beautiful daughters! I do not know how I will do it, but I will! It is no longer about me, I feel that I have finally crossed over to the other side....the side in which I have relinquished control and given in to what I have been fighting all along! I believe that I am truly here on this earth to give my heart and soul to humankind! I am to use all that I have, all that I am to do what I can to help others in this world!
