If I had to do this whole experience over, beginning in September 2007, I would have not gone through with this by myself! I know that I have mentioned that before but as times passes and the circumstance becomes more unbearable, it becomes more clear that the need for a partner through this is great! I know, I know unbelievable to hear coming out of my mouth....Ms. Super Indenendent, I don't need anyone....ya it sounds good, but not so accurate anymore. I guess it would be nice to have a shoulder to cry on besides my own! (not to take anything at all in any way away from my mom...she has been my rock through this and I know her pain and sadness over the loss of Mester is great.....luv u mom!)

It has been a week, but with each day that passes perspective continues to grow! In the past 6 months since I began this process my life has been at a stand still, but for everyone else life has kept moving forward. I don't know if part of the grief I am feeling with the loss of Mester is also the realization of the other losses that have occurred along the way. A few people presented with their true selves in the last 6 months. I have this problem with repeatedly putting faith in people who have repeatedly proven unworthy but for some reason I feel that all people are innately good and that if given enough opportunitites that goodness will come forth. It is one of the things I take pride in, even though to others it may be a sign of weakness or dependency, the reality is it is so much more! But as much as I like to pretend I am, I am no super woman and repeated hurt takes its tole and the people who's spirit I once believed so strongly in have worn me down. I always believe that when you hit rock bottom its better to clean your life out of the negative forces/people that bring you down, no matter how much they mean to you; how much you love them. There have been three significant losses in addition to the loss of Mester.....

Enough with the negative, onto the more important....the positive side!!!! Given time, I can find the positive in any situation and this one is no different. With loss there are also always gains....and I have gained a great deal in the last six months that I have not realized until now. The most important being the relationships that have grown beyond compare with those of you have stuck by me through all of this.

Ever since I was a child I never really felt like I fit anywhere...not even in my own family! My dad once told me that he knew exactly how I felt because he was the same way. He claimed this to be a gift! Even as I got older I have maintained this same feeling even with friends and family. I always was just a bit off...maybe that was me closing myself off from others...well not maybe...it was!

When I first found out about the man coming into the picture and halting my adotion of Mester, I left work, came home, got into my bed and just cried. My mom called me from her work to see if I was alright and she told me she was going to come over at her lunch break. This was the first time I have ever allowed anyone (even my mom) to comfort me like she did. She hugged me and I just sobbed! In 31 years this was the first time that I did not try to get out of that comforting.

When my agency rep was in Ethiopia and emailed me that the adoption was not going to happen; that it was over (the first time), I again left work, came home, got into my bed and just cried. My most amazing friend text me and said she would be off work in an hour and was coming over. To my surprise (and probably hers too) I let her! I did not do my normal, "No thats ok" not wanting anyone to burden themselves cuz "I can handle it"! I let her come over and she sat with me and we talked about the pain I was feeling and I openly cried and she cried too! This was another first for me, as I have never ever ever let a friend see me that vulenrable...in 31 years!

And the amazing thing for me was the fact that in both situations, I feel like it made a real difference. I did not feel so alone and I really felt like people really truly did care! I know this sounds so wierd, but it has really allowed me to let down some of my guard that I typically keep up to some extent with everyone. Wow! What an amazingly beautiful thing for me to finally allow myself to experience!

My dad was a very emotionally cut off individual and I share many of those same traits. As the daughter of a parent who is emotionally cut off it made it very difficult to connect with my dad at times...the majority of the time....and made it difficult for me to connect with others. I know he did not do this intentionally, he was doing the same thing he learned from his father and here I have been doing the same. And when Mester came I would have been just as emotionally distant with her as my father was with me! But through this awful roller coaster ride, I feel like I have actually emotionally connected with two very important people in my life. Which makes me believe that when Mester does come (because she will come; she will) I will be able to connect with her emotionally like I so desperately want to! That's a beautiful thing! And for that I am so incredibly grateful!

A therapist I had during college once asked me,
"Rachael, why does everything need to be extraordinary, what is wrong with ordinary for you?"

I never could answer that question and I think that may be because nothing in my life has ever really been ordinary, both positive and negative!

So why would I think that adopting would be anything less than an extraordinary experience?
As you all know about 4 weeks ago after receiving the devastating news about not being able to adopt Mester, I received an email saying "HOLD ON ITS BACK ON" and I was told that no matter what yes I would adopt her, it was just the time frame that we were uncertain of.

This last week, rather than getting the expected email of some great news, I learned that "the man" will just not budge and we have run out of options. The adoption is not happening!!!!

My first comment after picking myself up off the floor was, "are you going to email me in a month and tell me its back on?" Well unfortunately no, they will not! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!!!!!!! Standing in my kitchen I literally colapse to the ground! How is this even freakin possible? There is no god damn way!!!! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!! There is no god damn way...you have to be fucking kidding me!?!?! This does not happen...this cannot happen!!!!!! My heart, my body cannot take this; this is going to kill me!!!!!

You would never think this to be my philosophy, considering my outlook on life; but that old saying "its better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all".....BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!! And this is true about all kinds of love!!!!

There was a month in my life that I was undoubtedly in absolute love with this guy! I mean there are no words to explain this feeling that had taken over me. It was unlike anything that I had ever or have ever since experienced in my life! It was a calming, peaceful, warm, secure, exciting, deep, strong feeling that took over my entire being. And when this guy was even in the same room as me it was if the sun was a little bit brighter; life was just amazing!.........Ya well that shit didn't last! And just as quickly as it came...it disappeared! I was devastated!!!! I said it then and it still holds true; I wish I had never had that experience! because now that I have felt that way; there is nothing that can compare! I will settle for nothing less then that feeling again! Simply because I know that it is possible...it has set me up to fail with any and every other guy I meet! Especially since as much as I deny it; if this guy were to come back around; that same feeling would take over again! (with that said, he has made it ridiculously/brutally clear that he won't be back)......well this experience with pending mother hood is the same type of thing.

When the time was passing and I was "nesting" and getting ready for Mester...it was not just the physical changes but the mental and emotional changes as well! I was becoming a mother.....my child from Ethiopia that I have spent a lifetime dreaming of, was coming home! This feeling of motherhood was unlike anything that I had felt before, the world was much more beautiful, life was so much more!!! I cannot explain the changes I felt inside of me but I felt like I was becoming my whole self....and it was an amazing feeling to know that once Mester and I were together I would be her mother for the rest of our lives....this feeling would be for the rest of my life! AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!....well just as quickly as it came; it was gone! And all I can think of is how cruel! How evil! How mean! I would have rather never felt this experience of motherhood approaching than to have it for a moment and then have it ripped away from me! It hurts too much! And to top it off, its not like Mester is going to another family or that her family in Ethiopia has come forward and wants to care for her...No, nothing is changing for her! She is still sleeping in the dirt, living in extreme poverty, in absolute horrid conditions, nothing has improved for her, nothing has changed! How the fuck do I just let this go!?! This is a child; this is my child! And all this because some selfish, disgusting excuse for a man doesn't want anyone to know "his little secret"...are you fucking kidding me! And I can do nothing......................

Nothing!?! We'll see about that! I can be pretty resourceful, I just need to get my emotions under control to allow me to think clearly!