A therapist I had during college once asked me,
"Rachael, why does everything need to be extraordinary, what is wrong with ordinary for you?"

I never could answer that question and I think that may be because nothing in my life has ever really been ordinary, both positive and negative!

So why would I think that adopting would be anything less than an extraordinary experience?
As you all know about 4 weeks ago after receiving the devastating news about not being able to adopt Mester, I received an email saying "HOLD ON ITS BACK ON" and I was told that no matter what yes I would adopt her, it was just the time frame that we were uncertain of.

This last week, rather than getting the expected email of some great news, I learned that "the man" will just not budge and we have run out of options. The adoption is not happening!!!!

My first comment after picking myself up off the floor was, "are you going to email me in a month and tell me its back on?" Well unfortunately no, they will not! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!!!!!!! Standing in my kitchen I literally colapse to the ground! How is this even freakin possible? There is no god damn way!!!! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!! There is no god damn way...you have to be fucking kidding me!?!?! This does not happen...this cannot happen!!!!!! My heart, my body cannot take this; this is going to kill me!!!!!

You would never think this to be my philosophy, considering my outlook on life; but that old saying "its better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all".....BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!! And this is true about all kinds of love!!!!

There was a month in my life that I was undoubtedly in absolute love with this guy! I mean there are no words to explain this feeling that had taken over me. It was unlike anything that I had ever or have ever since experienced in my life! It was a calming, peaceful, warm, secure, exciting, deep, strong feeling that took over my entire being. And when this guy was even in the same room as me it was if the sun was a little bit brighter; life was just amazing!.........Ya well that shit didn't last! And just as quickly as it came...it disappeared! I was devastated!!!! I said it then and it still holds true; I wish I had never had that experience! because now that I have felt that way; there is nothing that can compare! I will settle for nothing less then that feeling again! Simply because I know that it is possible...it has set me up to fail with any and every other guy I meet! Especially since as much as I deny it; if this guy were to come back around; that same feeling would take over again! (with that said, he has made it ridiculously/brutally clear that he won't be back)......well this experience with pending mother hood is the same type of thing.

When the time was passing and I was "nesting" and getting ready for Mester...it was not just the physical changes but the mental and emotional changes as well! I was becoming a mother.....my child from Ethiopia that I have spent a lifetime dreaming of, was coming home! This feeling of motherhood was unlike anything that I had felt before, the world was much more beautiful, life was so much more!!! I cannot explain the changes I felt inside of me but I felt like I was becoming my whole self....and it was an amazing feeling to know that once Mester and I were together I would be her mother for the rest of our lives....this feeling would be for the rest of my life! AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!....well just as quickly as it came; it was gone! And all I can think of is how cruel! How evil! How mean! I would have rather never felt this experience of motherhood approaching than to have it for a moment and then have it ripped away from me! It hurts too much! And to top it off, its not like Mester is going to another family or that her family in Ethiopia has come forward and wants to care for her...No, nothing is changing for her! She is still sleeping in the dirt, living in extreme poverty, in absolute horrid conditions, nothing has improved for her, nothing has changed! How the fuck do I just let this go!?! This is a child; this is my child! And all this because some selfish, disgusting excuse for a man doesn't want anyone to know "his little secret"...are you fucking kidding me! And I can do nothing......................

Nothing!?! We'll see about that! I can be pretty resourceful, I just need to get my emotions under control to allow me to think clearly!