Overdue!!!!

I have decided that with one last leap of faith..it is time to let you all know what has been occurring over the past 5 weeks in regards to my adoption! With a court date to be set next week and shower invitations in the mail...this blog is long over due!

Holding my breath, keeping my fingers crossed, god willing....here it is!

After my last blog and the devastating halt on my adoption of Mester, I did not have the heart to share any of the emotions associated with adopting period!

I had not heard from my adoption worker for a couple of weeks; that was unlike her....hmmmm....It took all the courage I could muster up to email her and ask what was up....well to say the least her response was anything but expected! She informed me that God had blessed me! She went on to say that per my request, she was not going to give me any information about any possible referral until a court date was set....she giggled.....she also had a secret!!!!! It took me less than 10 seconds to call her and ask her to share the news! This is what she said......


......"well, you have a little girl! She is quite younger than Mester, but you said that was what you wanted. She is 21 days old! She was born in a small town in Northern Ethiopia, her mother either passed away during labor or shortly there after, she never left the clinic where she had the baby. The baby has no name so she is being called "Mi Mi" which means little girl. She weighs maybe 3.5lbs but is eating well".............."we will have you in court before the court closes for the rainy season in July!"...........

My response....."A baby?....... A baby?.....A baby baby?.....There are so many families wanting a baby are you sure you want to give her to me?.....A baby? Really? A baby baby for me?"

I didn't know if I wanted to laugh, cry, scream, jump up and down....I didn't know if I wanted to FEEL anything! TERRIFIED!!!!! ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED!!!! Not like the terrified feeling that mom and I had when we were robbed in Kenya...this was terrified to the point where I knew that if this did not happen that I literally was terrified that my heart and soul would be lost forever! I know that sounds overly dramatic but losing Mester took all that was left in me! Was I crazy!?!

A couple days later, I did what I do best.....left town...off to Romania! Thank god I had this escape, it helped me not think about the baby and what was to come (or not to come)! Upon my return, about 3 weeks ago I spoke to my worker again....the baby was now five weeks old and she had been officially declared an orphan by the Ethiopian government.....

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Are you sure? Are you sure you are sure?................OH MY GOD!!!!! All I kept thinking to myself was damnit Rachael do not under any circumstance feel anything!!! You can't!!! You must not!!! Stop! Stop! Stop! Oh shit.......

I tried so hard not to allow my heart to feel anything but as usual the power of my heart out wieghs the strength of my head and the next thing I know is I have named her, bought her some clothes and was preparing to bring this baby into my world!!!

In the last two weeks ALL those "nesting" feelings and "changes" in my body have come back with full force...The body is truly an amazing entity!!! I have not had a period since my dad passed in 2000. In late february, as I was preparing for the arrival of Mester, out of no where, I had a period. The first time in 8 years! Obviously cut short by the news of her father....the next two months were back to normal, then two weeks ago.....oh well look at that....my period...only there has not been anything to stop it this time.....Now I wonder if once the baby is here if my hormones will go back to where they should have been all along! We'll see (soon)! That is incredible!
(Now that my boobs are nice and big...LOL...I hope that this doesn't make them get any bigger....I may fall over!!! LOL)

Well, the terrified feeling is still present but so is this incredibly exciting anticipation of my pending motherhood! I do not want to talk about it for fear I will jinx it! I do not want to talk about it because that makes it more real....and what if....... I registered at Baby's R Us two weeks ago! Nothing like having a complete anxiety attack/nervous breakdown in the parking lot of the store... then carrying over in to the store...only to receive probably the best "pep talk" I have ever received in my life! After being the best of friends with someone for 17 years (holy shit) there is nothing like these moments. My friend Maria gave me the most honest, motivating, heart felt, encouraging, and scary reality check that I have ever experienced! Had she not been there during this breakdown I may have actually stopped this process. It was that bad! Thank you a million times over Maria..I love you ! Thank God for you!

So, here we are.....impatiently waiting!

My adoption worker is in Ethiopia right now! She got there on the 23rd! I have not wanted a picture of the baby yet...I am not sure I do even now! My worker saw my baby this morning for the first time! She said she is just beautiful! She said that she knew the baby was meant for only me when she looked down at her tiny toes and saw her delicately painted toe nails!!!! Is that the cutest thing ever!?!?!?! She still weighs under 5 lbs...but she is eating and sleeping well! I should know my court date next week!!!
I'm sorry what was that.?.?.? .?.?
I WILL KNOW MY COURT DATE NEXT WEEK!!!!!!!!

So my baby shower is on June 21!
I am setting up her nursery!
I bought her diapers!
My baby!
My baby!
My baby.......... Amira Selam Ranney
Born March 31, 2008

*** With all this incredibly exciting news there is still a hole in my heart, a hole that will be left unfilled until the day my Mester....my Bela.....comes home! She is my daughter that I have dreamt about since I was a little girl, she is my daughter no matter where she is! She is my daughter and weather it is 6 months or 6 years my home is her home, my family is her family and my heart is waiting for her! I truly believe that god/the universe has sent me this baby for a reason. Mester still has her biological mother caring for her, loving her...Amira does not! Amira was meant to come to me and she will give me the strength, knowledge and wisdom of motherhood which in turn will make me a better, more prepared mother for Mester!

My worker will see Mester and her mother on Friday! I have sent Mester clothes for the rainy season along with a few additional toys and blankets. I also sent Mesters mother several sewing kits for her and the women in her village (apparently a much needed item). I have asked that my worker give both Mester and her mother hugs and kisses and the reassurance, once again, that I am here and not going anywhere! I will be given an update on how my Mester is doing, how her mother is doing and the status of her father! I just pray with all my heart that Mester is safe and healthy!

I am the most blessed person I know! I am being given the gift of two beautiful daughters! I do not know how I will do it, but I will! It is no longer about me, I feel that I have finally crossed over to the other side....the side in which I have relinquished control and given in to what I have been fighting all along! I believe that I am truly here on this earth to give my heart and soul to humankind! I am to use all that I have, all that I am to do what I can to help others in this world!

Since the news came that Mester's father was refusing to budge I have not been able to stop and think about anything. I have spent the last month (plus) doing everything that I possibly could to stay extremely busy so my mind never would have the chance to slow down and think of Mester. I couldn't/my mind couldn't go there!

I know my birthday passed...I know I bought airfare to Romania (leaving day after tomorrow...what the hell?)....I know I made some physical changes to myself....I know I've gone to a few concerts and I know I've had fun...but at some point the reality of this situation has to come to the forefront of my mind....and this last week it finally did!

Why this week? Not sure....but as I put the pieces together it seems to make sense. While I've been out and about I have met new people (men) and there have been some opportunities where I could have possibly wound up dating but my repeated refusal to even consider giving up my phone number was brought to my attention by a dear friend this week....hmmmm....

Also this week my non-profit FINALLY had its first board meeting! It has taken me 10 months to complete all the necessary documents, to get connections with the needed people and to formulate the initial plans of the work my non-profit is going to do....I have had this goal of one day starting my own non-profit for 12+ years and I have done it! Its an amazing feeling...and now I cannot wait to get these projects moving!!!!

I went to a concert this past week where the performers took time out of their show to make their statements in regards to the need for humanitarian aide in Africa and how more people need to get invovled blah blah blah....well it came to me that if I can get someone to speak about my non-profit in a forum of this magnitude....oh my gosh...it would be amazing!!! So....why not....I decided to see what I could do....

After about an hour of speaking to probably 30 different people "behind the scenes" at the concert and getting the most ridiculous run around with some unbelievable responses....I realized that I was not trying to get the word out about my non-profit and the plite of the African people but I was trying to get the word out and fight for Mester! People need to know what is going on in Ethiopia...people need to know that some man can threaten to kill a two year old little girl and not be questioned....that some man can physically beat her mother and not be questioned....that some man can prevent a mothers wish of making a plan for her daughter to prevent another statistic once she's gone and not have to explain why....that some man who does not take care of/nor even want this two year old little girl, can prevent her from having a better life and not have to explain why! Why this man can come out of nowhere and he does not have to prove anything to anyone!!!!!!! ITS BULLSHIT!!!!!

By the time I spoke with the last man I possibly could at the concert (about # 31) my frustration and flat out disgust was maxing out, well his response sent me through the roof! This wise ass suggessted that I make a sign! A sign? Are you fucking kidding me? Because your lazy fat bald ass is too god damn self centered and ignorant to do anything for anyone if it doesn't somehow give you some type of gain!?!? What a piece of shit!!! At that point all the previous reactions of people rolling there eyes at me, ignoring me, talking down to me etc came flooding back to me and this lazy fat bald ass man was gonna get it!!! Without even thinking I grabbed my cell phone that has a picture of Mester on it, showed it to this man and ripped him a new one!!!! And when I was done I realized that I was crying! No one cares! I know....and I know that I cannot make people care! For all I know this lazy fat bald man could be the nicest man in L.A. and I know he did not deserve that from me but apparently I am harboring some real strong feelings about what has happened with Mester! And once again, I felt so incredibly alone in this process and I desperately wish I had someone who was going through this with me!

I always do my best thinking in the shower! (random) and the next day in thinking about the comment my friend made about men, reflecting on the pattern that I have created with never giving a man my number, without even thinking twice about it, thinking of the concert, the fat lazy bald man and my incredible loneliness...this thought hits me like a ton of bricks...WHAT HAVE I DONE? what have I done to myself.....I have just written my ticket to being alone for many many years! Holy shit!!!! How do I meet a guy, date him, like him, maybe really like him and then drop the bomb....
......"oh ya, by the way, I am in the process of adopting a little girl...oops correction possibly two little girls from Ethiopia....but I don't know when either one of them will get here....it could be in a month; it could be in two years, I really don't know...ok!?! you're fine with that, right?".......
Who the hell am I kidding? I can't find anyone to date without me having any kids let alone two....and why would I even out that someone else at this point? I never really thought about it until this past week...What have I done?

Its easy to read this and think "oh no there will be someone and if there isn't who cares"...ya that easy to say...and yes I know "a man doesn't make you who you are" and the whole "you dont need to depend on a man"....blah blah blah...I think its easy for people who to say when they are bitter and men hating, or who have already been married/had kids/divorced and now love the independence....but we all know that I am fucked!!!!!

I can tell anyone and everyone in the most convincing way that I don't care about being in a relationship/getting married and all that but I am just so full of shit! And now I fear that I have set myself up for that to be the case whether I want it to be or not!

God damn, I do not want to be alone!

Oh well, when shit gets tough...LEAVE TOWN!!!!! 48 hours from now I will be on my way to Romania....amazing how things work out sometimes!

If I had to do this whole experience over, beginning in September 2007, I would have not gone through with this by myself! I know that I have mentioned that before but as times passes and the circumstance becomes more unbearable, it becomes more clear that the need for a partner through this is great! I know, I know unbelievable to hear coming out of my mouth....Ms. Super Indenendent, I don't need anyone....ya it sounds good, but not so accurate anymore. I guess it would be nice to have a shoulder to cry on besides my own! (not to take anything at all in any way away from my mom...she has been my rock through this and I know her pain and sadness over the loss of Mester is great.....luv u mom!)

It has been a week, but with each day that passes perspective continues to grow! In the past 6 months since I began this process my life has been at a stand still, but for everyone else life has kept moving forward. I don't know if part of the grief I am feeling with the loss of Mester is also the realization of the other losses that have occurred along the way. A few people presented with their true selves in the last 6 months. I have this problem with repeatedly putting faith in people who have repeatedly proven unworthy but for some reason I feel that all people are innately good and that if given enough opportunitites that goodness will come forth. It is one of the things I take pride in, even though to others it may be a sign of weakness or dependency, the reality is it is so much more! But as much as I like to pretend I am, I am no super woman and repeated hurt takes its tole and the people who's spirit I once believed so strongly in have worn me down. I always believe that when you hit rock bottom its better to clean your life out of the negative forces/people that bring you down, no matter how much they mean to you; how much you love them. There have been three significant losses in addition to the loss of Mester.....

Enough with the negative, onto the more important....the positive side!!!! Given time, I can find the positive in any situation and this one is no different. With loss there are also always gains....and I have gained a great deal in the last six months that I have not realized until now. The most important being the relationships that have grown beyond compare with those of you have stuck by me through all of this.

Ever since I was a child I never really felt like I fit anywhere...not even in my own family! My dad once told me that he knew exactly how I felt because he was the same way. He claimed this to be a gift! Even as I got older I have maintained this same feeling even with friends and family. I always was just a bit off...maybe that was me closing myself off from others...well not maybe...it was!

When I first found out about the man coming into the picture and halting my adotion of Mester, I left work, came home, got into my bed and just cried. My mom called me from her work to see if I was alright and she told me she was going to come over at her lunch break. This was the first time I have ever allowed anyone (even my mom) to comfort me like she did. She hugged me and I just sobbed! In 31 years this was the first time that I did not try to get out of that comforting.

When my agency rep was in Ethiopia and emailed me that the adoption was not going to happen; that it was over (the first time), I again left work, came home, got into my bed and just cried. My most amazing friend text me and said she would be off work in an hour and was coming over. To my surprise (and probably hers too) I let her! I did not do my normal, "No thats ok" not wanting anyone to burden themselves cuz "I can handle it"! I let her come over and she sat with me and we talked about the pain I was feeling and I openly cried and she cried too! This was another first for me, as I have never ever ever let a friend see me that vulenrable...in 31 years!

And the amazing thing for me was the fact that in both situations, I feel like it made a real difference. I did not feel so alone and I really felt like people really truly did care! I know this sounds so wierd, but it has really allowed me to let down some of my guard that I typically keep up to some extent with everyone. Wow! What an amazingly beautiful thing for me to finally allow myself to experience!

My dad was a very emotionally cut off individual and I share many of those same traits. As the daughter of a parent who is emotionally cut off it made it very difficult to connect with my dad at times...the majority of the time....and made it difficult for me to connect with others. I know he did not do this intentionally, he was doing the same thing he learned from his father and here I have been doing the same. And when Mester came I would have been just as emotionally distant with her as my father was with me! But through this awful roller coaster ride, I feel like I have actually emotionally connected with two very important people in my life. Which makes me believe that when Mester does come (because she will come; she will) I will be able to connect with her emotionally like I so desperately want to! That's a beautiful thing! And for that I am so incredibly grateful!