Since the news came that Mester's father was refusing to budge I have not been able to stop and think about anything. I have spent the last month (plus) doing everything that I possibly could to stay extremely busy so my mind never would have the chance to slow down and think of Mester. I couldn't/my mind couldn't go there!

I know my birthday passed...I know I bought airfare to Romania (leaving day after tomorrow...what the hell?)....I know I made some physical changes to myself....I know I've gone to a few concerts and I know I've had fun...but at some point the reality of this situation has to come to the forefront of my mind....and this last week it finally did!

Why this week? Not sure....but as I put the pieces together it seems to make sense. While I've been out and about I have met new people (men) and there have been some opportunities where I could have possibly wound up dating but my repeated refusal to even consider giving up my phone number was brought to my attention by a dear friend this week....hmmmm....

Also this week my non-profit FINALLY had its first board meeting! It has taken me 10 months to complete all the necessary documents, to get connections with the needed people and to formulate the initial plans of the work my non-profit is going to do....I have had this goal of one day starting my own non-profit for 12+ years and I have done it! Its an amazing feeling...and now I cannot wait to get these projects moving!!!!

I went to a concert this past week where the performers took time out of their show to make their statements in regards to the need for humanitarian aide in Africa and how more people need to get invovled blah blah blah....well it came to me that if I can get someone to speak about my non-profit in a forum of this magnitude....oh my gosh...it would be amazing!!! So....why not....I decided to see what I could do....

After about an hour of speaking to probably 30 different people "behind the scenes" at the concert and getting the most ridiculous run around with some unbelievable responses....I realized that I was not trying to get the word out about my non-profit and the plite of the African people but I was trying to get the word out and fight for Mester! People need to know what is going on in Ethiopia...people need to know that some man can threaten to kill a two year old little girl and not be questioned....that some man can physically beat her mother and not be questioned....that some man can prevent a mothers wish of making a plan for her daughter to prevent another statistic once she's gone and not have to explain why....that some man who does not take care of/nor even want this two year old little girl, can prevent her from having a better life and not have to explain why! Why this man can come out of nowhere and he does not have to prove anything to anyone!!!!!!! ITS BULLSHIT!!!!!

By the time I spoke with the last man I possibly could at the concert (about # 31) my frustration and flat out disgust was maxing out, well his response sent me through the roof! This wise ass suggessted that I make a sign! A sign? Are you fucking kidding me? Because your lazy fat bald ass is too god damn self centered and ignorant to do anything for anyone if it doesn't somehow give you some type of gain!?!? What a piece of shit!!! At that point all the previous reactions of people rolling there eyes at me, ignoring me, talking down to me etc came flooding back to me and this lazy fat bald ass man was gonna get it!!! Without even thinking I grabbed my cell phone that has a picture of Mester on it, showed it to this man and ripped him a new one!!!! And when I was done I realized that I was crying! No one cares! I know....and I know that I cannot make people care! For all I know this lazy fat bald man could be the nicest man in L.A. and I know he did not deserve that from me but apparently I am harboring some real strong feelings about what has happened with Mester! And once again, I felt so incredibly alone in this process and I desperately wish I had someone who was going through this with me!

I always do my best thinking in the shower! (random) and the next day in thinking about the comment my friend made about men, reflecting on the pattern that I have created with never giving a man my number, without even thinking twice about it, thinking of the concert, the fat lazy bald man and my incredible loneliness...this thought hits me like a ton of bricks...WHAT HAVE I DONE? what have I done to myself.....I have just written my ticket to being alone for many many years! Holy shit!!!! How do I meet a guy, date him, like him, maybe really like him and then drop the bomb....
......"oh ya, by the way, I am in the process of adopting a little girl...oops correction possibly two little girls from Ethiopia....but I don't know when either one of them will get here....it could be in a month; it could be in two years, I really don't know...ok!?! you're fine with that, right?".......
Who the hell am I kidding? I can't find anyone to date without me having any kids let alone two....and why would I even out that someone else at this point? I never really thought about it until this past week...What have I done?

Its easy to read this and think "oh no there will be someone and if there isn't who cares"...ya that easy to say...and yes I know "a man doesn't make you who you are" and the whole "you dont need to depend on a man"....blah blah blah...I think its easy for people who to say when they are bitter and men hating, or who have already been married/had kids/divorced and now love the independence....but we all know that I am fucked!!!!!

I can tell anyone and everyone in the most convincing way that I don't care about being in a relationship/getting married and all that but I am just so full of shit! And now I fear that I have set myself up for that to be the case whether I want it to be or not!

God damn, I do not want to be alone!

Oh well, when shit gets tough...LEAVE TOWN!!!!! 48 hours from now I will be on my way to Romania....amazing how things work out sometimes!