6 Days....

You would think that having 6 days left before I am able to get more information and to have this whole situation resolved would make me feel relieved and happy! The reality is that I am not excited, I am not nervous, I am not anxious.....I am exhausted! And still having to go through another week feeling this way seems unbearable!

I do not live my life this way, I am walking around like a zombie, dazed, numb....I am exhausted, I feel like I cannot go on like this...it is too much!

After much thought, I made the decision to let my agency worker know that although I understood that she did not think it was a good idea for me to go to Ethiopia, I went on to explain the whole thing about regret if I didn't go etc....this was about 6 days ago! I waited and waited...she then responded to tell me that from what it seems Mester's mother is too afraid to proceed with the adotion process.....she said that she would rather I wait until she gets there and is able to see for herself what is going on.....

Basically I have to now really be preparing myself that this adoption is on it last leg, that it just really is not going to happen.

My response was that I too want to see for myself...that I have so many questions that need to be answered...I do not want this to be over!!! NO!!! NO!!! NO!!!NO!!!

Between Wutu and Mester, this process had really put me back in touch with my belief in God! It was unexpected but kind of refreshing...I felt good about it! Now all I want to do is scream and yell at Him, tell Him to fuck off and leave me alone!!! What did I do wrong...what did I do for all this to happen!?!?!

I have no other way of looking at all of this except to look at it as there is something wrong with me! Although in my head I know that it is not rational but if you believe in higher powers and the universe....how can it not reflect back on me!?! Was I that horrible of a person in a past life that I am paying the price over and over and over again~!?

I try to live my life like every religion, self help book and all that other b.s. tells you too....I try to be honest and giving and self less and helpful and forgiving and caring and loving...and I really try not to ask others for anything...isn't that what we are supposed to do?

Reality is setting in as I have learned this week that my last single friend, from grade school to college, is getting married....Everyone in my world now has been married (at least once) and/or has children....I am going to be 32 years old...I have not been in a relationship for about 2 years...hell I can't even find someone I would want to date...and the one I did can't even stand to be my friend....yet won't tell my why! I continue to make a conscious effort to convince myself that I do not care and that I don't need that...its not always easy....but no one would ever know that! And I only express that here because the four or five people who know about this blog already probably know that about me!

And now, I can't even adopt a child! Am I supposed to read in to this like I have my personal life....that maybe its just not supposed to be....that I have to be different from everyone else in this way too!?! And how many children do I have to go through before I give in to that!?!

Yea, there is 6 more days....but at this point does it really matter.....