Since the news came that Mester's father was refusing to budge I have not been able to stop and think about anything. I have spent the last month (plus) doing everything that I possibly could to stay extremely busy so my mind never would have the chance to slow down and think of Mester. I couldn't/my mind couldn't go there!
I know my birthday passed...I know I bought airfare to Romania (leaving day after tomorrow...what the hell?)....I know I made some physical changes to myself....I know I've gone to a few concerts and I know I've had fun...but at some point the reality of this situation has to come to the forefront of my mind....and this last week it finally did!
Why this week? Not sure....but as I put the pieces together it seems to make sense. While I've been out and about I have met new people (men) and there have been some opportunities where I could have possibly wound up dating but my repeated refusal to even consider giving up my phone number was brought to my attention by a dear friend this week....hmmmm....
Also this week my non-profit FINALLY had its first board meeting! It has taken me 10 months to complete all the necessary documents, to get connections with the needed people and to formulate the initial plans of the work my non-profit is going to do....I have had this goal of one day starting my own non-profit for 12+ years and I have done it! Its an amazing feeling...and now I cannot wait to get these projects moving!!!!
I went to a concert this past week where the performers took time out of their show to make their statements in regards to the need for humanitarian aide in Africa and how more people need to get invovled blah blah blah....well it came to me that if I can get someone to speak about my non-profit in a forum of this magnitude....oh my gosh...it would be amazing!!! So....why not....I decided to see what I could do....
After about an hour of speaking to probably 30 different people "behind the scenes" at the concert and getting the most ridiculous run around with some unbelievable responses....I realized that I was not trying to get the word out about my non-profit and the plite of the African people but I was trying to get the word out and fight for Mester! People need to know what is going on in Ethiopia...people need to know that some man can threaten to kill a two year old little girl and not be questioned....that some man can physically beat her mother and not be questioned....that some man can prevent a mothers wish of making a plan for her daughter to prevent another statistic once she's gone and not have to explain why....that some man who does not take care of/nor even want this two year old little girl, can prevent her from having a better life and not have to explain why! Why this man can come out of nowhere and he does not have to prove anything to anyone!!!!!!! ITS BULLSHIT!!!!!
By the time I spoke with the last man I possibly could at the concert (about # 31) my frustration and flat out disgust was maxing out, well his response sent me through the roof! This wise ass suggessted that I make a sign! A sign? Are you fucking kidding me? Because your lazy fat bald ass is too god damn self centered and ignorant to do anything for anyone if it doesn't somehow give you some type of gain!?!? What a piece of shit!!! At that point all the previous reactions of people rolling there eyes at me, ignoring me, talking down to me etc came flooding back to me and this lazy fat bald ass man was gonna get it!!! Without even thinking I grabbed my cell phone that has a picture of Mester on it, showed it to this man and ripped him a new one!!!! And when I was done I realized that I was crying! No one cares! I know....and I know that I cannot make people care! For all I know this lazy fat bald man could be the nicest man in L.A. and I know he did not deserve that from me but apparently I am harboring some real strong feelings about what has happened with Mester! And once again, I felt so incredibly alone in this process and I desperately wish I had someone who was going through this with me!
I always do my best thinking in the shower! (random) and the next day in thinking about the comment my friend made about men, reflecting on the pattern that I have created with never giving a man my number, without even thinking twice about it, thinking of the concert, the fat lazy bald man and my incredible loneliness...this thought hits me like a ton of bricks...WHAT HAVE I DONE? what have I done to myself.....I have just written my ticket to being alone for many many years! Holy shit!!!! How do I meet a guy, date him, like him, maybe really like him and then drop the bomb....
......"oh ya, by the way, I am in the process of adopting a little girl...oops correction possibly two little girls from Ethiopia....but I don't know when either one of them will get here....it could be in a month; it could be in two years, I really don't know...ok!?! you're fine with that, right?".......
Who the hell am I kidding? I can't find anyone to date without me having any kids let alone two....and why would I even out that someone else at this point? I never really thought about it until this past week...What have I done?
Its easy to read this and think "oh no there will be someone and if there isn't who cares"...ya that easy to say...and yes I know "a man doesn't make you who you are" and the whole "you dont need to depend on a man"....blah blah blah...I think its easy for people who to say when they are bitter and men hating, or who have already been married/had kids/divorced and now love the independence....but we all know that I am fucked!!!!!
I can tell anyone and everyone in the most convincing way that I don't care about being in a relationship/getting married and all that but I am just so full of shit! And now I fear that I have set myself up for that to be the case whether I want it to be or not!
God damn, I do not want to be alone!
Oh well, when shit gets tough...LEAVE TOWN!!!!! 48 hours from now I will be on my way to Romania....amazing how things work out sometimes!
Monday, April 21, 2008
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
If I had to do this whole experience over, beginning in September 2007, I would have not gone through with this by myself! I know that I have mentioned that before but as times passes and the circumstance becomes more unbearable, it becomes more clear that the need for a partner through this is great! I know, I know unbelievable to hear coming out of my mouth....Ms. Super Indenendent, I don't need anyone....ya it sounds good, but not so accurate anymore. I guess it would be nice to have a shoulder to cry on besides my own! (not to take anything at all in any way away from my mom...she has been my rock through this and I know her pain and sadness over the loss of Mester is great.....luv u mom!)
It has been a week, but with each day that passes perspective continues to grow! In the past 6 months since I began this process my life has been at a stand still, but for everyone else life has kept moving forward. I don't know if part of the grief I am feeling with the loss of Mester is also the realization of the other losses that have occurred along the way. A few people presented with their true selves in the last 6 months. I have this problem with repeatedly putting faith in people who have repeatedly proven unworthy but for some reason I feel that all people are innately good and that if given enough opportunitites that goodness will come forth. It is one of the things I take pride in, even though to others it may be a sign of weakness or dependency, the reality is it is so much more! But as much as I like to pretend I am, I am no super woman and repeated hurt takes its tole and the people who's spirit I once believed so strongly in have worn me down. I always believe that when you hit rock bottom its better to clean your life out of the negative forces/people that bring you down, no matter how much they mean to you; how much you love them. There have been three significant losses in addition to the loss of Mester.....
Enough with the negative, onto the more important....the positive side!!!! Given time, I can find the positive in any situation and this one is no different. With loss there are also always gains....and I have gained a great deal in the last six months that I have not realized until now. The most important being the relationships that have grown beyond compare with those of you have stuck by me through all of this.
Ever since I was a child I never really felt like I fit anywhere...not even in my own family! My dad once told me that he knew exactly how I felt because he was the same way. He claimed this to be a gift! Even as I got older I have maintained this same feeling even with friends and family. I always was just a bit off...maybe that was me closing myself off from others...well not maybe...it was!
When I first found out about the man coming into the picture and halting my adotion of Mester, I left work, came home, got into my bed and just cried. My mom called me from her work to see if I was alright and she told me she was going to come over at her lunch break. This was the first time I have ever allowed anyone (even my mom) to comfort me like she did. She hugged me and I just sobbed! In 31 years this was the first time that I did not try to get out of that comforting.
When my agency rep was in Ethiopia and emailed me that the adoption was not going to happen; that it was over (the first time), I again left work, came home, got into my bed and just cried. My most amazing friend text me and said she would be off work in an hour and was coming over. To my surprise (and probably hers too) I let her! I did not do my normal, "No thats ok" not wanting anyone to burden themselves cuz "I can handle it"! I let her come over and she sat with me and we talked about the pain I was feeling and I openly cried and she cried too! This was another first for me, as I have never ever ever let a friend see me that vulenrable...in 31 years!
And the amazing thing for me was the fact that in both situations, I feel like it made a real difference. I did not feel so alone and I really felt like people really truly did care! I know this sounds so wierd, but it has really allowed me to let down some of my guard that I typically keep up to some extent with everyone. Wow! What an amazingly beautiful thing for me to finally allow myself to experience!
My dad was a very emotionally cut off individual and I share many of those same traits. As the daughter of a parent who is emotionally cut off it made it very difficult to connect with my dad at times...the majority of the time....and made it difficult for me to connect with others. I know he did not do this intentionally, he was doing the same thing he learned from his father and here I have been doing the same. And when Mester came I would have been just as emotionally distant with her as my father was with me! But through this awful roller coaster ride, I feel like I have actually emotionally connected with two very important people in my life. Which makes me believe that when Mester does come (because she will come; she will) I will be able to connect with her emotionally like I so desperately want to! That's a beautiful thing! And for that I am so incredibly grateful!
It has been a week, but with each day that passes perspective continues to grow! In the past 6 months since I began this process my life has been at a stand still, but for everyone else life has kept moving forward. I don't know if part of the grief I am feeling with the loss of Mester is also the realization of the other losses that have occurred along the way. A few people presented with their true selves in the last 6 months. I have this problem with repeatedly putting faith in people who have repeatedly proven unworthy but for some reason I feel that all people are innately good and that if given enough opportunitites that goodness will come forth. It is one of the things I take pride in, even though to others it may be a sign of weakness or dependency, the reality is it is so much more! But as much as I like to pretend I am, I am no super woman and repeated hurt takes its tole and the people who's spirit I once believed so strongly in have worn me down. I always believe that when you hit rock bottom its better to clean your life out of the negative forces/people that bring you down, no matter how much they mean to you; how much you love them. There have been three significant losses in addition to the loss of Mester.....
Enough with the negative, onto the more important....the positive side!!!! Given time, I can find the positive in any situation and this one is no different. With loss there are also always gains....and I have gained a great deal in the last six months that I have not realized until now. The most important being the relationships that have grown beyond compare with those of you have stuck by me through all of this.
Ever since I was a child I never really felt like I fit anywhere...not even in my own family! My dad once told me that he knew exactly how I felt because he was the same way. He claimed this to be a gift! Even as I got older I have maintained this same feeling even with friends and family. I always was just a bit off...maybe that was me closing myself off from others...well not maybe...it was!
When I first found out about the man coming into the picture and halting my adotion of Mester, I left work, came home, got into my bed and just cried. My mom called me from her work to see if I was alright and she told me she was going to come over at her lunch break. This was the first time I have ever allowed anyone (even my mom) to comfort me like she did. She hugged me and I just sobbed! In 31 years this was the first time that I did not try to get out of that comforting.
When my agency rep was in Ethiopia and emailed me that the adoption was not going to happen; that it was over (the first time), I again left work, came home, got into my bed and just cried. My most amazing friend text me and said she would be off work in an hour and was coming over. To my surprise (and probably hers too) I let her! I did not do my normal, "No thats ok" not wanting anyone to burden themselves cuz "I can handle it"! I let her come over and she sat with me and we talked about the pain I was feeling and I openly cried and she cried too! This was another first for me, as I have never ever ever let a friend see me that vulenrable...in 31 years!
And the amazing thing for me was the fact that in both situations, I feel like it made a real difference. I did not feel so alone and I really felt like people really truly did care! I know this sounds so wierd, but it has really allowed me to let down some of my guard that I typically keep up to some extent with everyone. Wow! What an amazingly beautiful thing for me to finally allow myself to experience!
My dad was a very emotionally cut off individual and I share many of those same traits. As the daughter of a parent who is emotionally cut off it made it very difficult to connect with my dad at times...the majority of the time....and made it difficult for me to connect with others. I know he did not do this intentionally, he was doing the same thing he learned from his father and here I have been doing the same. And when Mester came I would have been just as emotionally distant with her as my father was with me! But through this awful roller coaster ride, I feel like I have actually emotionally connected with two very important people in my life. Which makes me believe that when Mester does come (because she will come; she will) I will be able to connect with her emotionally like I so desperately want to! That's a beautiful thing! And for that I am so incredibly grateful!
Saturday, March 15, 2008
A therapist I had during college once asked me,
"Rachael, why does everything need to be extraordinary, what is wrong with ordinary for you?"
I never could answer that question and I think that may be because nothing in my life has ever really been ordinary, both positive and negative!
So why would I think that adopting would be anything less than an extraordinary experience?
As you all know about 4 weeks ago after receiving the devastating news about not being able to adopt Mester, I received an email saying "HOLD ON ITS BACK ON" and I was told that no matter what yes I would adopt her, it was just the time frame that we were uncertain of.
This last week, rather than getting the expected email of some great news, I learned that "the man" will just not budge and we have run out of options. The adoption is not happening!!!!
My first comment after picking myself up off the floor was, "are you going to email me in a month and tell me its back on?" Well unfortunately no, they will not! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!!!!!!! Standing in my kitchen I literally colapse to the ground! How is this even freakin possible? There is no god damn way!!!! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!! There is no god damn way...you have to be fucking kidding me!?!?! This does not happen...this cannot happen!!!!!! My heart, my body cannot take this; this is going to kill me!!!!!
You would never think this to be my philosophy, considering my outlook on life; but that old saying "its better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all".....BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!! And this is true about all kinds of love!!!!
There was a month in my life that I was undoubtedly in absolute love with this guy! I mean there are no words to explain this feeling that had taken over me. It was unlike anything that I had ever or have ever since experienced in my life! It was a calming, peaceful, warm, secure, exciting, deep, strong feeling that took over my entire being. And when this guy was even in the same room as me it was if the sun was a little bit brighter; life was just amazing!.........Ya well that shit didn't last! And just as quickly as it came...it disappeared! I was devastated!!!! I said it then and it still holds true; I wish I had never had that experience! because now that I have felt that way; there is nothing that can compare! I will settle for nothing less then that feeling again! Simply because I know that it is possible...it has set me up to fail with any and every other guy I meet! Especially since as much as I deny it; if this guy were to come back around; that same feeling would take over again! (with that said, he has made it ridiculously/brutally clear that he won't be back)......well this experience with pending mother hood is the same type of thing.
When the time was passing and I was "nesting" and getting ready for Mester...it was not just the physical changes but the mental and emotional changes as well! I was becoming a mother.....my child from Ethiopia that I have spent a lifetime dreaming of, was coming home! This feeling of motherhood was unlike anything that I had felt before, the world was much more beautiful, life was so much more!!! I cannot explain the changes I felt inside of me but I felt like I was becoming my whole self....and it was an amazing feeling to know that once Mester and I were together I would be her mother for the rest of our lives....this feeling would be for the rest of my life! AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!....well just as quickly as it came; it was gone! And all I can think of is how cruel! How evil! How mean! I would have rather never felt this experience of motherhood approaching than to have it for a moment and then have it ripped away from me! It hurts too much! And to top it off, its not like Mester is going to another family or that her family in Ethiopia has come forward and wants to care for her...No, nothing is changing for her! She is still sleeping in the dirt, living in extreme poverty, in absolute horrid conditions, nothing has improved for her, nothing has changed! How the fuck do I just let this go!?! This is a child; this is my child! And all this because some selfish, disgusting excuse for a man doesn't want anyone to know "his little secret"...are you fucking kidding me! And I can do nothing......................
Nothing!?! We'll see about that! I can be pretty resourceful, I just need to get my emotions under control to allow me to think clearly!
"Rachael, why does everything need to be extraordinary, what is wrong with ordinary for you?"
I never could answer that question and I think that may be because nothing in my life has ever really been ordinary, both positive and negative!
So why would I think that adopting would be anything less than an extraordinary experience?
As you all know about 4 weeks ago after receiving the devastating news about not being able to adopt Mester, I received an email saying "HOLD ON ITS BACK ON" and I was told that no matter what yes I would adopt her, it was just the time frame that we were uncertain of.
This last week, rather than getting the expected email of some great news, I learned that "the man" will just not budge and we have run out of options. The adoption is not happening!!!!
My first comment after picking myself up off the floor was, "are you going to email me in a month and tell me its back on?" Well unfortunately no, they will not! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!!!!!!! Standing in my kitchen I literally colapse to the ground! How is this even freakin possible? There is no god damn way!!!! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!! There is no god damn way...you have to be fucking kidding me!?!?! This does not happen...this cannot happen!!!!!! My heart, my body cannot take this; this is going to kill me!!!!!
You would never think this to be my philosophy, considering my outlook on life; but that old saying "its better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all".....BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!! And this is true about all kinds of love!!!!
There was a month in my life that I was undoubtedly in absolute love with this guy! I mean there are no words to explain this feeling that had taken over me. It was unlike anything that I had ever or have ever since experienced in my life! It was a calming, peaceful, warm, secure, exciting, deep, strong feeling that took over my entire being. And when this guy was even in the same room as me it was if the sun was a little bit brighter; life was just amazing!.........Ya well that shit didn't last! And just as quickly as it came...it disappeared! I was devastated!!!! I said it then and it still holds true; I wish I had never had that experience! because now that I have felt that way; there is nothing that can compare! I will settle for nothing less then that feeling again! Simply because I know that it is possible...it has set me up to fail with any and every other guy I meet! Especially since as much as I deny it; if this guy were to come back around; that same feeling would take over again! (with that said, he has made it ridiculously/brutally clear that he won't be back)......well this experience with pending mother hood is the same type of thing.
When the time was passing and I was "nesting" and getting ready for Mester...it was not just the physical changes but the mental and emotional changes as well! I was becoming a mother.....my child from Ethiopia that I have spent a lifetime dreaming of, was coming home! This feeling of motherhood was unlike anything that I had felt before, the world was much more beautiful, life was so much more!!! I cannot explain the changes I felt inside of me but I felt like I was becoming my whole self....and it was an amazing feeling to know that once Mester and I were together I would be her mother for the rest of our lives....this feeling would be for the rest of my life! AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!....well just as quickly as it came; it was gone! And all I can think of is how cruel! How evil! How mean! I would have rather never felt this experience of motherhood approaching than to have it for a moment and then have it ripped away from me! It hurts too much! And to top it off, its not like Mester is going to another family or that her family in Ethiopia has come forward and wants to care for her...No, nothing is changing for her! She is still sleeping in the dirt, living in extreme poverty, in absolute horrid conditions, nothing has improved for her, nothing has changed! How the fuck do I just let this go!?! This is a child; this is my child! And all this because some selfish, disgusting excuse for a man doesn't want anyone to know "his little secret"...are you fucking kidding me! And I can do nothing......................
Nothing!?! We'll see about that! I can be pretty resourceful, I just need to get my emotions under control to allow me to think clearly!
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